This week has been a really long week for me and a bit of a rough one emotionally as well. I started this blog to let people in on my journey not just superficially, but also my emotional journey. I am finding that sometimes this isn’t as easy as I would like it to be, but I guess that is part of the experience for me. It is another way to let people into my very guarded mind and heart. This is proving to be one of those hard blogs, but here it goes! Every place I have lived has taught me something about myself and what I need to work on to grow as a person and become a better me. Australia is proving to be no different, it is just giving me the hardest project so far. In Connecticut I learned to be more independent and okay being alone. In Issaquah I learned that you can’t control everything and have to just go with things when the time calls for it. In New York I learned how to be more forgiving and let people in. My roomies helped me to learn to trust a little easier and show I am not perfect by any means. Australia is showing me how to conquer my public shyness. See, when it comes to initiating conversations and approaching new people (sometimes even people I know) in public, I don’t do it. It’s not because I don’t want to, but it’s because I am extremely shy and overly critical of my self especially when I cannot plan my next seven steps.
Ever since I can remember I have met people online. I find it easier to hide behind a computer screen and allow the person to get to know the real me. Then if we meet awesome and if not, it’s okay too. It is a crutch for me and I am well aware of it, but I haven’t been blatantly smacked in the face with how much I rely on dating sites, facebook, a few drinks, mutual friends, or other means to meet new people until the last few weeks. I have been on numerous dates so far in Aussie-land that I met the guys on POF (one of my roomies called it puddle of fish and its stuck). I find myself looking at the site constantly, spending ridiculous amounts of time reply to guys or reaching out to new ones. See, I’m not on the site specifically to find a boyfriend, I want to find guy friends since I tend to get along better with guys. It’s not that I don’t like girls, I have just found most girls don’t like me. I get along with a handful of girls that have become my dearest friends and I would be lost without them, but most girls I meet write me off without a chance or our personalities clash so much there is no hope. All that aside, I get along better with guys so I want to meet guy friends.
I am very aware of my faults and a big one I have is my shyness. If I find a guy attractive in anyway I typically cannot talk to him unless I have a few drinks in me. Most of it is due to my cerebral personality, but a lot of it is also because I have a horrible fear of rejection. I do not like to put myself out there just to be rejected, most people have that dislike or fear, but mine is really bad. If I try online to talk to a guy and he rejects me it is easier to brush it off as simply a looks thing and not take offense, when I try in person and I am rejected or the guy doesn’t show interested I take it personally because it is. I also dislike the fact that I cannot control the situation in public like I can via emails or internet conversations.
So, my newest quest which I have chosen to accept is to put myself out there more. I am in a new place and this time I am making myself more comfortable with myself. I love that I am shy in some regards, but being as shy as I am is not okay, it is a hindrance and it holds me back as a person. So, my dear readers begins my journey. I have deleted my accounts and I am about to embark on my next great adventure of self discovery. Here I begin trying new things, meeting new people, and becoming a better me. I am sure it will be full of amazing stories that you will all be delighted to hear and I will be embarrassed and amazed to share.
Tales of a Nomad. 